My father always likes to remind me that he was the first person I saw when I first opened my eyes . Half in my mother and half out ( a very disgusting picture but none the less the thought is sweet) he said I had the bluest eyes and that i stared at him and than closed them for the next few hours. My father saw me today, sitting in a cold waiting room, my mother by his side, her eyes already red with tears. It is a funny thing when your role switches.

Today I got the results from my p.e.t. scan. The results were not what we had wanted. My cancer has now spread to my neck, lower back, a part of my upper hip and arm. The chances of curing it is unlikely and will most likely have to live with it my whole life. It is a strange thing to hear someone tell you that they have no idea how long you'll live, how fast something will spread in you. All I know is that I have to fight not for my sake but for my parents, for my family and for my friends. I remember being a little girl and feeling so old already and wanting to start over. Here I am now, fighting for my life. It's funny how it turns around on you. I don't know if i'm afraid and I don't know if my reaction is normal. The things that run thru my mind more is my parents and family but also just the little things in life that I might not have a chance to do. I wonder if I'll fall in love again or date someone even. Is that even possible for me right now? I never wanted kids but now the I really don't have the choice. I guess these are the things worth fighting for. I'm not giving up and I know that my chances are slim but I won't stop until I win and I let other people know that just because there is a slight chance , there still is a chance.

I feel this terrible frustration and urgency. I'm not mad and have not questioned God in the least. I just want to know what I can do. I want to spread the importance of my sickness. There are not alot of treatments and it is occuring in kids my age more and more. I knew what skin cancer was but like the most of you thought it was something you got from spending too much time bathing in the sun and were a old leathered lady. Not the case obviously. I don't want to preach or to tell people to apperciate life because who am I to tell anyone but I will say that you really can't understand how badly I wish I could work or hang out or just go on a date without having to tell someone " Oh by the way, I have cancer and its bad".  I think if there was any question I could ask what ever higher being is out there would be, What can I do? That's the most frustering part. You never think these things can happen to you and when it does,  you want to make sure that the rest of your life isn't in vain. It's all very confusing. I just want to make sure that I and others keep smiling. I'm sorry if this post isn't as well laid out. Just alot of questions i guess about life. I know i will make it, I've never given up and i wont start now.