as the movie carrie is on t.v.

What really is forgiveness? We can forgive but we can't forget. We can forgive and still be vindictive towards whoever we forgive but can we really forgive someone truely without expectation. I can't play a saint and say that I've never burned some bridges down to the ground until the remains were just ash. We all have but how long is too long to return back to the ash and try to find the remains to make a new bridge? I always believed in the golden rule; treat others the way you'd like to be treated. I've had my moments of weakness but like to believe for the most part I've tried not to hurt anyone. It's funny that when bad news comes you try to right your wrongs. That it takes sickness or death to make you realize something very simple yet when I explain this to the people around me it's almost like I'm playing a fool's game.

It's a very surreal thing to have a doctor say," Your chances aren't good, we will do what we can but if nothing works, we will let you live the last of your life as peacefully as we can." I'm 23. Death was something I imagined happening when I was 102, red lips still being draped in silly clothes and laughing uncontrollably with my best friend. When someone tells you your chances of survival are slim, for me at least, what runs thru your mind is not yourself but others. I've been runnning back to all those piles of ashes and wanting to make it right, I really have nothing to lose now and it's honestly something that should have been done anyway. I want anyone and everyone to know how important forgiveness is. I want people to know that forgivness is so selfless. It's not even about someone forgiving you but maybe you forgiving someone for something that is unforgivable.  I've had a couple people tell me " why give them the satisfation? You don't owe them anything" but the truth is at one point whoever the person is , has given me a incrediable gift. They have given me the gift of growth, of love, of happiness. All the bad is forgotten if you want it to be. Yes, it takes years to heal, yes it can hurt so terribly , it can feel like death but in the past couple of days I've found that forgiveness has only led me to being calm and at peace. I found forgivness leads to unconditional kindness and love. I know this is cheesy and silly but I can only say from my experience. As hard as the past two months have been, the greatest gift is learning all these things and hopefully passing them to whoever cares or listens. I know its cool not to give a shit about anyone or to be so self consumed in your bubble and that drama is attractive, but if we pop that bubble and maybe say hi to the people we see every night at the bar instead of pretending like we don't know them because they don't fit that cliche or maybe you heard something bad or your friend has a beef.  In the end, it all doesn't matter. Everyone wants to feel welcomed and apart of something. If you can do that, than why not.

p.s. i promise these post will start getting funnier than depressing. I have my radiation appointment tomorrow so let's cross our fingers that something wildly funny happens which is bound to happen.