mah tumors!

I can't count how many I have. Several in each arm, in my breast, in my ribs, in my lungs, how many on my back (pointless to count),in my neck and still questionable, but perhaps on in my voluptuous hips but that could be fat so we don't know yet. The past days it's been terribly hard to get up, to do anything. I can't eat more than half a piece of toast and half a yogurt which means I am a whopping 130 pounds or less which means the pants might fit better but I'm not proud in the least because obviously I'd really like to stuff my face full of ice cream and sandwiches and really anything else but my body says no. I feel like I semi know what a pregnant woman at all stages goes through, I throw up (what i'm throwing up again is questionable since nothing is going down), my back is killing me and all i wanna do is sleep. Ok so that is how my health is going but I will say that today was a good day, and despite being forced terrible eggs and waffles, if I tell myself that I'm stronger than my body, it helps. Power of the mind, also I had a huge pick me up.

So that is my health now here is the positive,fun stuff that will hopefully make you forget that Emily's car and I are one in the same. I received a wonderful beautiful package today from Chloe and friends from Philadelphia. Like I said, the past week has been rough so to open my little mailbox and see a mysterious little package was pretty wonderful. Filled with wonderful artwork, a beautiful dream catcher and wonderful words, I will say that it was one letter in particular that made me cry and really reminded me of why I fight everyday. 

We continually strive to be people that we want to become. At some point we might even feel we come close to knowing who we really are, who the core of us is. When you are on the verge of death, when you don't know if you have a month, or a week or even a day, you really feel like you might have it nailed down. I think perhaps at one point I might have said that I knew who I was. I don't. I'm as lost as anyone else who has 1,000 years. I have a general idea of who I want to be or who I hope I was. The letter I got today affirmed everything that I wanted to be, who I hoped I would become. I guess it's nice to say you know yourself but it's much nicer when someone tells you their perception of who you are. I only hoped that I could have helped someone, I only hoped that I could have changed someone or that I left a impact or that I was there for someone. I think the past months, I've very much questioned that. On the bad days, I think maybe I'm sick because I wasn't a good person or maybe I really fucked someone over. A lot of those questions go thru your mind and all you can try to do is make sure that the last remaining steps you take are guided with respect and kindness and sincerity. This letter and all the kinds words I get everyday from every single one of you, or the moments where people have been extroidinarly kind to me make me realize that my sickness isn't a punishment which leads me to the whole point of this….

I know I've said ( and probably in every single blog post) that If I were to die next month or week or day, that I wouldn't or couldn't be angry. I stand by that. I stand by it not only because of the things I've done for my young age but because of the people i've met. Which leads to the biggest contradiction. I am and can easily say that I am the luckiest girl in the world to have met the people I've met. I have rarely met anyone who was unkind or mean or vicious but have been gifted with meeting people who are talented and inspiring. Who changed my life in ways people wait their whole life to be changed. I can easily say that almost everyone that i've met has left me with a gift, despite where our road had ended. So I don't know If I have the spring to see or the summer to be over heated in, part of me says that if I don't than I'm happy because of those people but the other half of me says that If I'm 23 and have met the amazing and beautiful people that I've met, it kills me to know that I won't be around to see them grow, to see them blossom into what I know they are capable of. Thats one of the hardest things. Either way I'm lucky.