be naughty and save santa a trip.

Getting zometa is like getting ran over by a car in the pouring rain only to be dropped on a very stiff bed of ice with no blankets for a good 12 hours. This, of course, explains my ever so delightful experience on Saturday. I had my zometa drip on Friday. My viens are not happy with me in the least and when the nurse inserted the i.v. needle into my arm the biggest squirt of blood came rushing out like children who have been locked in the house all day waiting to play. Needless to say that I almost passed out at the sight. I can take everything else but oh god show me some blood and I become a crippled old man. I sat for a good two hours with no zometa in my system since they couldn't find the medicine but at last they did. The next day I woke up with the worst shakes, fever and bone pain of my life. Zometa in the long term should help but dang, I was begging to be taken to the hospital. So I suppose zometa hopefully will decide that it loves me and my body loves it.

I also had my first dose of radiation. I can't say I completely hate it. Besides the feeling of having a sunburn and maybe the little bit of hair loss it really isn't so bad. I know I'm saying that now but the process is actually really nice. I have a good 15 mins to think and not talk and be relaxed with lots of people telling me i'm doing a good job for basically doing nothing at all. Also they have the most amazing pictures on the ceiling. I'm hoping that I can request some Ryan gosling or maybe Cary grant or something that....

Anyway, I've been a bit slow on this but things are more steady and will explain the little I know of the process as it comes. Everyone at the hospital has been so kind about explaining why they do everything and putting up with my questions which most of you know I love doing.

Also, for those of you who have been checking up with me and sending me wonderful little notes or links or anything of encouragment , you have no idea how sweet and kind it is and how helpful it is most of all.

Rita wishes you some very happy holidays!

as the movie carrie is on t.v.

What really is forgiveness? We can forgive but we can't forget. We can forgive and still be vindictive towards whoever we forgive but can we really forgive someone truely without expectation. I can't play a saint and say that I've never burned some bridges down to the ground until the remains were just ash. We all have but how long is too long to return back to the ash and try to find the remains to make a new bridge? I always believed in the golden rule; treat others the way you'd like to be treated. I've had my moments of weakness but like to believe for the most part I've tried not to hurt anyone. It's funny that when bad news comes you try to right your wrongs. That it takes sickness or death to make you realize something very simple yet when I explain this to the people around me it's almost like I'm playing a fool's game.

It's a very surreal thing to have a doctor say," Your chances aren't good, we will do what we can but if nothing works, we will let you live the last of your life as peacefully as we can." I'm 23. Death was something I imagined happening when I was 102, red lips still being draped in silly clothes and laughing uncontrollably with my best friend. When someone tells you your chances of survival are slim, for me at least, what runs thru your mind is not yourself but others. I've been runnning back to all those piles of ashes and wanting to make it right, I really have nothing to lose now and it's honestly something that should have been done anyway. I want anyone and everyone to know how important forgiveness is. I want people to know that forgivness is so selfless. It's not even about someone forgiving you but maybe you forgiving someone for something that is unforgivable.  I've had a couple people tell me " why give them the satisfation? You don't owe them anything" but the truth is at one point whoever the person is , has given me a incrediable gift. They have given me the gift of growth, of love, of happiness. All the bad is forgotten if you want it to be. Yes, it takes years to heal, yes it can hurt so terribly , it can feel like death but in the past couple of days I've found that forgiveness has only led me to being calm and at peace. I found forgivness leads to unconditional kindness and love. I know this is cheesy and silly but I can only say from my experience. As hard as the past two months have been, the greatest gift is learning all these things and hopefully passing them to whoever cares or listens. I know its cool not to give a shit about anyone or to be so self consumed in your bubble and that drama is attractive, but if we pop that bubble and maybe say hi to the people we see every night at the bar instead of pretending like we don't know them because they don't fit that cliche or maybe you heard something bad or your friend has a beef.  In the end, it all doesn't matter. Everyone wants to feel welcomed and apart of something. If you can do that, than why not.

p.s. i promise these post will start getting funnier than depressing. I have my radiation appointment tomorrow so let's cross our fingers that something wildly funny happens which is bound to happen.

tip number 1- have a best friend with a amazing sense of humor

My father always likes to remind me that he was the first person I saw when I first opened my eyes . Half in my mother and half out ( a very disgusting picture but none the less the thought is sweet) he said I had the bluest eyes and that i stared at him and than closed them for the next few hours. My father saw me today, sitting in a cold waiting room, my mother by his side, her eyes already red with tears. It is a funny thing when your role switches.

Today I got the results from my p.e.t. scan. The results were not what we had wanted. My cancer has now spread to my neck, lower back, a part of my upper hip and arm. The chances of curing it is unlikely and will most likely have to live with it my whole life. It is a strange thing to hear someone tell you that they have no idea how long you'll live, how fast something will spread in you. All I know is that I have to fight not for my sake but for my parents, for my family and for my friends. I remember being a little girl and feeling so old already and wanting to start over. Here I am now, fighting for my life. It's funny how it turns around on you. I don't know if i'm afraid and I don't know if my reaction is normal. The things that run thru my mind more is my parents and family but also just the little things in life that I might not have a chance to do. I wonder if I'll fall in love again or date someone even. Is that even possible for me right now? I never wanted kids but now the I really don't have the choice. I guess these are the things worth fighting for. I'm not giving up and I know that my chances are slim but I won't stop until I win and I let other people know that just because there is a slight chance , there still is a chance.

I feel this terrible frustration and urgency. I'm not mad and have not questioned God in the least. I just want to know what I can do. I want to spread the importance of my sickness. There are not alot of treatments and it is occuring in kids my age more and more. I knew what skin cancer was but like the most of you thought it was something you got from spending too much time bathing in the sun and were a old leathered lady. Not the case obviously. I don't want to preach or to tell people to apperciate life because who am I to tell anyone but I will say that you really can't understand how badly I wish I could work or hang out or just go on a date without having to tell someone " Oh by the way, I have cancer and its bad".  I think if there was any question I could ask what ever higher being is out there would be, What can I do? That's the most frustering part. You never think these things can happen to you and when it does,  you want to make sure that the rest of your life isn't in vain. It's all very confusing. I just want to make sure that I and others keep smiling. I'm sorry if this post isn't as well laid out. Just alot of questions i guess about life. I know i will make it, I've never given up and i wont start now.

An attractive doctor tucking you in, while getting your i.v., can be a upside.

I wanted to update when things got a little bit more exciting or something actually happened. My days have been filled romantic conversations between the finacial director of the hospital, the woman who makes the appointments, nurses and any other staff that wants to talk. I talk to them at least 4 to 5 times daily. I can't complain in the least though, I'm very lucky that I'm in a hospital that cares so much about their patients. Any questions I've had have been answered in full and than some. I think that this is one of the most important things. I can't stress that enough. My first doctor was wonderful but as soon as I came here I couldn't think of how much time was wasted and how he manhandled my boobs. So yes, time is so incrediably precious but also finding people who you feel really care about you is as well. Make sure you take the time to do that because in the long run, you want to feel comfortable talking to your doctors, nurses and any other staff because the truth is, you will be seeing and talking to them alot. I feel like I've made a slew of extended family and hopefully potiental lovers which leads me to my next point. Expect to see a two handfuls of gorgeous doctor men walking around and attending to your every need. I might have cancer but I also have an incrediably attractive staff to keep me the giddy 23 year old girl that I am.

I finally had my p.e.t scan Tuesday. A positron emission tomograhy scan is where they inject a radioactive gloucuse into your body that latches onto your cells and later will light up the bad cells in your body which tells you where the cancer has spread, if it has spread at all ( a very loose description by my radiologist). I basically took a nap while the radioactive sugar set in my body for an hour and than had to force my little eyes to sleep for another two while the machine did it's magic. The only thing I could really relate it to is like space mountain but without the motion and the lights. Well actually, only when you get into it, you hear this little twinkle sound and thats as space mountain as it gets but it was the most productive nap I've ever taken. I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't a bit nervous in the outcome. I have faith that god will do what he has plans and will not give me a path that I can't overcome but of course, you can't help but worry. Everything really depends on those scans and if the cancer has spread. I think the fear starts to creep in when you feel your body giving out. I've found a lump on my viens and my right arm tingles something fierce but I suppose you just have to fight through it because you can't focus in on it. Of course, let your doctors know though of any pain you have even the slightest! Anything that happens in your body is serious but If you stop, think about the pain 24/7 than you let it win. You have to fight and mentally be stronger than your body. I can only pray that everything turns out in my favor.

Anyway, I've been roaming Seattle alot lately. I still have to find my way around but the public library in the center of the city is by far my favorite spot. 10 stories of nothing but books and music. They have a huge collection of books on film and beautiful literature. If there ever was a city to be, I suppose Seattle would be it.  Hopefully I get better fast so I can actually go out and meet people! I mean I need to get back to my late night of eating hot dogs!!!! (Emily hurry!)

So a doctor walks into a bar...

From what I've heard, a cancer patient will never forget the day they were diagnosed. My case isn't different but I can't really say that I remember because I was told I had cancer. On Nov. 16th, the day in which I should be celebrating the day I was born, I sat patiently for a frisky doctor to tell me I have a bad case of skin cancer; Malignant Melanoma (the most dangerous form of skin cancer according to  google) to be exact. I don't know if I would remember the exact day if it were any other day, what I do know is I will never forget the look on my doctors face as I walked down the hall into the cold and dull room to wait for him.

I wish I could say that I yelled to the God's "Why me!!!" or that I was angry but I can't. The saddest part for me was seeing the look on my mom's face ( another thing I'll never forget). I think this has to be the worst part of cancer. Seeing your loved ones look and feel so helpless is by far worse than death. I think that is the moment where you know you have to keep strong and fight. I also saw and keeping seeing  this as a way to become a stronger and humbler person which I suppose is what I've always seeked anyway. Besides seeing your parents cry every other minute, the worst part is having to tell people. There is no guidebook or the do's and dont's on how to break it to everyone you have cancer and not the good kind. I remember telling one of my bosses, "Hey, how are you? Oh, by the way I went to the doctor and I have cancer...Ba da bing". Probably not the best way to tell someone but I promise I have since gotten better at telling people. I will admit I wrote emails that never were sent, phone calls that were hung up before a hello until I finally decided that the most important peole knew and I wouldn't lie if someone asked me what was going on seeing as I was late to work or absent most days, became a hermit and moved to Seattle over night for treatment.

So Why do a blog?Well, besides the fact that I might be either bored or in lots of pain, I debated this for a long time. I'm not a big fan of exposing your life in a facebook update or writing about what you do everyday but I searched and searched and really didn't find blogs from people with melanoma or ones that I could relate to. I wanted to share my experiance in hopes that it would help some other 23 year old kid or hell, even a 60 year old adult, who is scared, needs a laugh, and doesn't want to feel so alone. I hope that this can inspire them to keep strong, not feel so alone and smile on the day's it's just too hard to smile.

                                                        (2 weeks before I was diagnosed)