it's always a party 

I know I haven't posted in a while or actually since I started me chemo. I promise after tomorrow I'll update this thing. I'll admit I am terrified of getting my hopes up or jinxing myself. What I will say is that the amount of love and support that I get daily is the best medicine. I am so amazed by daily human kindness and feel somewhat bad (and so terribly lucky) that most people don't get to experience the kindness that friend,family and strangers have shown me. I am truly blessed.

Oh, and I have funny little picture that I'll post in the meantime so you can obviously see I haven't changed much. No sweat pants at the doctors for me.

mah tumors!

I can't count how many I have. Several in each arm, in my breast, in my ribs, in my lungs, how many on my back (pointless to count),in my neck and still questionable, but perhaps on in my voluptuous hips but that could be fat so we don't know yet. The past days it's been terribly hard to get up, to do anything. I can't eat more than half a piece of toast and half a yogurt which means I am a whopping 130 pounds or less which means the pants might fit better but I'm not proud in the least because obviously I'd really like to stuff my face full of ice cream and sandwiches and really anything else but my body says no. I feel like I semi know what a pregnant woman at all stages goes through, I throw up (what i'm throwing up again is questionable since nothing is going down), my back is killing me and all i wanna do is sleep. Ok so that is how my health is going but I will say that today was a good day, and despite being forced terrible eggs and waffles, if I tell myself that I'm stronger than my body, it helps. Power of the mind, also I had a huge pick me up.

So that is my health now here is the positive,fun stuff that will hopefully make you forget that Emily's car and I are one in the same. I received a wonderful beautiful package today from Chloe and friends from Philadelphia. Like I said, the past week has been rough so to open my little mailbox and see a mysterious little package was pretty wonderful. Filled with wonderful artwork, a beautiful dream catcher and wonderful words, I will say that it was one letter in particular that made me cry and really reminded me of why I fight everyday. 

We continually strive to be people that we want to become. At some point we might even feel we come close to knowing who we really are, who the core of us is. When you are on the verge of death, when you don't know if you have a month, or a week or even a day, you really feel like you might have it nailed down. I think perhaps at one point I might have said that I knew who I was. I don't. I'm as lost as anyone else who has 1,000 years. I have a general idea of who I want to be or who I hope I was. The letter I got today affirmed everything that I wanted to be, who I hoped I would become. I guess it's nice to say you know yourself but it's much nicer when someone tells you their perception of who you are. I only hoped that I could have helped someone, I only hoped that I could have changed someone or that I left a impact or that I was there for someone. I think the past months, I've very much questioned that. On the bad days, I think maybe I'm sick because I wasn't a good person or maybe I really fucked someone over. A lot of those questions go thru your mind and all you can try to do is make sure that the last remaining steps you take are guided with respect and kindness and sincerity. This letter and all the kinds words I get everyday from every single one of you, or the moments where people have been extroidinarly kind to me make me realize that my sickness isn't a punishment which leads me to the whole point of this….

I know I've said ( and probably in every single blog post) that If I were to die next month or week or day, that I wouldn't or couldn't be angry. I stand by that. I stand by it not only because of the things I've done for my young age but because of the people i've met. Which leads to the biggest contradiction. I am and can easily say that I am the luckiest girl in the world to have met the people I've met. I have rarely met anyone who was unkind or mean or vicious but have been gifted with meeting people who are talented and inspiring. Who changed my life in ways people wait their whole life to be changed. I can easily say that almost everyone that i've met has left me with a gift, despite where our road had ended. So I don't know If I have the spring to see or the summer to be over heated in, part of me says that if I don't than I'm happy because of those people but the other half of me says that If I'm 23 and have met the amazing and beautiful people that I've met, it kills me to know that I won't be around to see them grow, to see them blossom into what I know they are capable of. Thats one of the hardest things. Either way I'm lucky.

pepe??????

I haven't updated since my zometa injection because well nothing really new has happened. Now thought, you will get a slew over information because well life has been filled which means this gets neglected. Funny how that turns out. I suppose I'll make two different post because this one can serve as my pick me up and the other will probably be utterly depressing. I'll let the people have their pick.

My best friend/soul mate came to visit. Laughter is the best medicine for anything. I wish it could be a cure but it comes pretty damn close and also having a best friend who watches you like a hawk and doesn't mind keeping up with your grandmother speed is even better. I can't explain the gift that my best friend is. She already had her tragic moments and to thru it again with me and to stick by me with such strength and force is the greatest gift that I could have ever received in my lifetime. I think I might have mention this earlier, but you give someone bad news and it can go two ways. They either stay close and bare with it WITH you or they run for the hills as fast as they possible can without even a good luck. I know that sounds bitter and like i've always said I can't blame those who have but out of that there have been people I never expected would check up or send me helpful tips( my burlesque beauties) and of course my best friend who despite the fact i might want to run and be normal , makes me sit and be still and calm. Oh and also give a reallllllly good talking to to my boyfriend which leads me into more good news.

 I have a bf! Who would have thunk it. The vegas trotting girl who was anti relationship found hers. I couldn't resist. Not only is he handsome but the biggest angel in the world. The thought of who could ever love a girl who might just die would cross my mind. I didn't want to die a spinster nor feel unlovable. I guess God decided he'd give me a little gift. He is patient and kind and sweet and adorable and terribly terribly funny. I sometimes look at him and wonder if he really knows how much of a gift he is. Not because i'm sick or because he takes care of me so well but because I've never met a man with kinder eyes in my life. Eyes that are pure (as much as he'll deny it).

So this is my update. A little one. I'll update with the news that i found out today tomorrow and than some since i think ill be lock up in a cage maybe. Writing all this good stuff , i really don't want to remember the bad stuff i found out today...the suspense will killlllllll youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

oh and as a tribute to my soul mate and my bf...this sums up our late night sleep overs